I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
