): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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