who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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