I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
