Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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