woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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