I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
