my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
