please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
