so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
