I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
