You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
