6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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