The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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