dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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