im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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