Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
