Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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