I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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