You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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