You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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