A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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