I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
