You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
