Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
