I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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