i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
