Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
