Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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