last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
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ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
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Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My day in three words: secret purse cake
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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