i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
