he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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