Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
