i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
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