I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
