Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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