Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
