Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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