I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
my shit smells like andre
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
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