I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
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Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
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Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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