my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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