Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
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She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
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I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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