can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Semen is not good for contacts.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
