Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
