Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
