my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
BRING THE BAGELS
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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