dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
