I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
