I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
