I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
