I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
i think my cat just said my name.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
