i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
