woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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