My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize