Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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