Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
