I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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